8 Situations When You Should Keep Your Mouth Shut

8 Situations When You Should Keep Your Mouth Shut

Is someone trying to start something
with you? Here's why silence is golden

There are many situations where it’s
extremely difficult not to respond someone, like when a person has just
pushed your buttons. But in tense, problematic circumstances it never makes
much sense to respond— to react—impulsively. What’s needed is a moment
or two to reflect on whether your instant reaction, if expressed, will make
things better—or, more likely, worse.

Following are 8 instances in which
you’d be a lot better off not responding (at least not right away) to
provocations, despite the clear temptation to do so.



Not to respond to another person if...:



1. It would likely offend someone, without delivering any realistic possibility either of
resolving the situation or improving the relationship. You may genuinely care
about the person, or the relationship may be truly important to you (pragmatically
or otherwise). So there’s no good reason to risk alienating them by being more
candid about, or negatively evaluative of, their behavior than they can handle
emotionally. Some people are kind, loyal, and supportive, but also quick to
take offense and highly reactive to criticism. Other people's rigidity makes it
virtually impossible for them to appreciate a differing viewpoint. So it’s just
foolish to say something that would only distress them and accentuate the
differences between you. If these individuals say or do something that bothers
you, it’s generally best to try to overlook it and, internally, find a
way to resolve your immediate frustrations with them rather than confronting
them directly.

 2. It would hurt their feelings. If you
want to act in a way that’s tactful, considerate, and caring, you certainly
don’t want to make a gratuitous comment on another person’s, say, “bad hair
day.” Even if they specifically request feedback on their appearance, it’s only
charitable to minimize how their hair looks and focus on what in their
self-presentation is more becoming. If they turn out to have a strong self-image, you’ll have that
much more latitude to respond frankly, but at first it makes sense to ponder
how answering candidly might affect them. The same rule holds true if someone
has said something naive, misinformed, self-contradictory, etc. Would it simply
hurt the person—and your relationship—to simply utter the first words that come
to mind, without first considering the negative impact your response might
have?

My advice might seem to echo the platitude, “It’s better not to say anything
if you have nothing nice to say.” But the reluctance to speak out to avoid
hurting another’s feelings really isn’t about suppressing your
expression—which, generally, I don’t recommend. It’s about not
needlessly, imprudently, or harshly responding to someone who has acted in a
way that, in the moment, has made you uncomfortable.


3. It would make you seem defensive, closed-minded, or even
cantankerous. If someone is offering you constructive criticism, it
may be important to put your ego aside and conscientiously evaluate the
legitimacy of their viewpoint. In such cases, it’s much better to remain
silent, listen attentively, and only then give a response (if at all). Whether,
in the end, you agree with their unfavorable appraisal or not, it’s still in
your best interest to open-mindedly assess its validity. For while you may be
reluctant to hear it, what they have to say might still potentially be
beneficial. If you can’t resist the immediate impulse to defend
yourself, you may miss out on a valuable opportunity to learn something
important about yourself.

 4. It would only further intensify someone’s anger. When someone is far
too fired up to listen rationally to anything you might say, it’s worse than
useless to respond to them. Any response will probably be premature and serve
only to make matters worse because it’s likely to be experienced as an
interruption, as though you’re not really listening or taking the person
seriously. In such cases—if there’s to be any hope of ultimately resolving the
situation—it’s essential to devote all your attention to hearing someone out
and giving them every chance to fully air their grievances. Only then might
they be open to hearing your contrasting viewpoint, or interpretation.

It’s also essential to avoid any knee-jerk, defensive reaction
that will probably only heighten the person's animosity. When you realize that
the other person is clearly overreacting, the best thing to do
is stay present and mindful, look at them directly (non-evasively), and
fully attend to what they’re so vehemently saying. That way, you’ll optimize
the chance that, feeling heard by you, they’ll eventually calm down. Then,
and only then, does it make sense—gingerly—to express your alternative
perspective.

Besides, you may need to calm yourself down during such a
confrontation. The person may be saying accusatory things that feel not simply
exaggerated, but unjust and even abusive. Such self-soothing will help you to
read between their impassioned lines and get a better sense of how they may,
deep down, have been hurt by whatever you did or said. Not that you necessarily
intended to hurt the person, but what you did may have (perhaps unconsciously)
reminded them of some past experience that's still negatively charged for them.
If, on the other hand, you impulsively react to them without understanding something of the
dynamic behind their vocal ferocity, such a response may only worsen the
situation.



5. It would only intensify your own anger. Following
your impulse to attack a person who just upset you is only likely to
exacerbate things. Emotions—not just anger, but anxiety and depression—are best
kept at moderate levels. When they start to become really pronounced, your
better judgment may be seriously compromised and you can react in ways you’ll
later regret. Better to hold your tongue and do whatever is required to calm
yourself—deep, abdominal breathing; mindfulness meditation; progressive muscle
relaxation; visualization, etc.—than
blindly follow an impulse to retaliate against the person who provoked you.

It’s simply impossible to respond judiciously in circumstances where you’re
feeling so disturbed that you’re on the verge of “losing it." Carefully
monitor what’s going on inside you: Can you feel your face beginning to flush?
Your heart rate rising? Your hands beginning to tremble or shake? Your stomach
fluttering like a butterfly ? Or perhaps you're experiencing a thunderous,
whole-body energy surge? These are all clues that your emotions are threatening
to overtake your faculties. Take a deep breath and endeavor to evaluate the
rationality of what’s going on between your ears.

 6. It would dignify—or give credence to—some spiteful individual's
degrading of you. There’s no good reason to respond to anyone whose
prime motive is to taunt you. When, out of hostility or malice, another person
stridently attacks something you said or wrote, responding to their verbal
venom may give their words an authority they hardly deserve. The familiar
expression, “I won’t dignify that with a response," applies here. Most
third parties would grasp that you avoided reacting to someone else's comment
not because their defamation was righteous but because what they said hardly
warranted a response. Internet snipers, for example, can hurt you only with
your consent. Ironically, your power in these situations comes from ignoring
their rhetorical jabs. In most instances, you’re in no way obliged to respond
to belligerent, non-constructive criticism. If someone is gratuitously
attacking your character, it’s senseless to try to defend yourself or to sneer
back at them. The best way to settle the matter is through silence, which
leaves yourself much less open to further onslaughts.


7. It could lead you to engage with someone whose goal
is to ensnare you. When someone baits you into an
unwinnable verbal duel, it's probably because it affords them the perverse
gratification of acting out their contentious, argumentative predilections. If
you get into the ring, it’s virtually guaranteed that a TKO will ensue—that is,
stooping to their level is already a defeat. As Mark Twain said, “Never argue
with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you
with experience.” If someone has already prodded you into responding
to them, and is pushing for a second round, it’s wise to cut your losses and call
it quits, recognizing that they’re only goading you to partake in an ongoing
exercise in futility—or foolishness. Such bullying is best ignored,
especially if they’re only indulging in mudslinging to feed illusions of being
stronger or superior to others.


8. It could reinforce a behavior that needs to change. To
close in a completely different direction, when young children have a tantrum,
this is their way of getting attention (however negative) or manipulating a
situation to get their way. With few exceptions, it’s typically best not to
react to such unruly behavior (in preschoolers or adults) but, tactically, to
ignore it, especially since an active response might inadvertently strengthen
the impulse. Children need to learn how to deal with the inevitable
frustrations of life. If their acting out of control yanks your chain to the point
that you defer to them, you’re actually “teaching” them to act that way to
maximize the odds that they’ll get what they want. And that’s hardly in your—or
their—best interests.